rolling dice

now i'm jumping on the questions again, losing all my senses again - i'm a rolling dice and i don't think twice, i gave my heart away

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Misery's my company.♣

Sunday, September 20, 2009 / 7:37 PM

Today was horrible. Those moments of realisation, I hate. Despise. When you realise what's been going on, and what you should've/could've done to avoid it.. But it's too late now.

Woke up at like 11:40something? went online and did the daily things.. blogged, youtube, something to watch.. changed to music.. yeahs. Then I don't know what I did.. for like another hour or two but then I finally decided to start my science assignment which I've been doing even til now. It's not that hard no, but I'm so obssessed with my presentation --' It's actually annoying. Then my stupid computer had to fuck up and I had to restart it. Stupid word fucking deleted ALL my work and now I have to fucking retype it again. FUCKING RAGE. But on the other hand, I found another site to download Photoshop brushes from ~ 8D They're heaaaaaaaaaaps prettyy! That actually cheered me up a little hahahas. Then yerhs.. not such a great day from then on.

I'm so depressed at the moment, these past few weeks. I don't know if I can hide it anymore.. I hate it all so much. I hate what's going on. I hate it. What the hell is happening, in your eyes? Tell me. I don't know what the hell to think. You've been telling me you'd never leave me feeling alone, that you need me and all that crap but you haven't shown it one bit. All I've witnessed is a new you. Someone I don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to know. This person is ice cold. This person is killing me slowly. Okay yeah, drift away if you need to.. but don't give me false hope and say that you'll always be there, and that you still are. You know I'd believe every word you say. But maybe that's just what I'm thinking, right? .. But for all I know, it's true. You're not helping me head in the right direction, I don't know where the right path is. I don't know anything anymore. All I can do is cry like a fucking sook.

The thought of losing you has been running through my mind over and over again. Why..? It's horrifying. Why am I even thinking about it? I can't help it. I shake, I ache and I cry. I need you and I don't mean it the way I've said it anyone else before, I need you. But this is just agonising. It's always one sided.

I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act and react when others ask me how I'm doing. Can I lie much longer? Can I keep lying to myself? I'm too weak.