I hate this feeling.♣
Thursday, October 22, 2009 / 8:15 PM
Song(s) Of The Day :: gLee (boys) - It's My Life / Confessions MishMashMix :D(LL)
Patrick Bunton - This Beat Is What You Need (DJ Gollum Short Mix)
Current Media :: Windows Media Centre - Beauty & The Geek Australia
Current Mood(s) :: Annoyed. Isolated. Neglected. Replaced. Unwanted. Unneeded. Lost. Sad. Unhappy. Upset. Depressed. YET, happy.. in ways. Grateful. But overall.. separated from you, something that makes me scared.
Rawr! How was everyones day today? Mine was odd and sort've quiet and kept to myself.. kept what was on my mind to myself anyways. I was pretty moody the night before, various things which were small would happen and my moods would change in a heartbeat. The only reason I was able to stay cool? Knowing I'd see the cutest person first thing in the morning :) Ahh, mostly being away from you was the gayest thing about my day, like always. But it felt worse today? Lol.
I had a maths test in the first lesson, and I guess I went pretty well. Although I did get a little stuck but Harvard helped me :) Hahahas. After the test Jenna gave me a cupcake :D! After the test we just sat around talking about random crap, and I was decorating random pages of my diary again. We're starting Trigonometry now, we're fair behind in the course apparently, bleh. Oh well, do my best to catch up now I guess :)
In homegroup I ate the cupcake, and it was yumolicious :D hahaha! The lesson after homegroup was Photography! Didn't do anything at all this lesson, I did go through a few sites looking for tutorials but then gave up. I don't know what I did .___.''
Ohhhh! Hahahaha! I didn't go to PE today, and instead went to the computer room with Andy. Hahaha it was fun I could say? I dunno really. I helped with the credits of the Mission Australia video a little bit, and then I just sat there looking for tutorials. There are some really nice ones I want to try out :) Maybe I will hehs.
Last lesson of the day! ..was Japanese. Which I didn't go to .. but yeahs. I spent most of the time talking to dear Krystal about things that have been on our minds, and it was a really nice little catch up session :) I got a lot of things off my mind and it's nice to know she's still on my side and we still agree on the same things. I'm glad we did that today :) Then after she left to go to badminton I went to sit in the editing room with kittywhore&Gamen. It was fun mucking around hahahas :D
Afterschool we went to Hungry Jacks to hang out. I went fair high :D .. yeah your face is fun to look at :) Your body is nice to check out ;D and you're just a whole load of fun to be withღ BUWAHAHAHA. Yeah, whatchu gonna do when I own you with my chippies huh ;D HAHAHA! LOL! My cup lid looked like a face cause I pushed some of the buttons and sides of the lid .. You probably won't get it but yeah, it was just one of those things where you had to be there. Then we bussed back to Arndale so I could do a little shopping. I bought the Dolly magazine because it had a nice bag :) I'll use this one temporarily now I guess, til I find a better one :D We also went to Big W cause I wanted to look for a bear for my niece's birthday. I didn't find any but I bought a back of cards for kitty, and also some deodorant for him. It was a two pack so I got to keep one too :D Hahaha he read a packet of condoms to see what the percentage of effectivity was. It wasn't on there and he raged. What a cutie! Mhmms, then we went to catch the bus home and yeah.
Today was gay for me. It was the fact that I was away from you so much. You could say it's an obsession? But I can't tell if it is, or if it's an addiction. If it was an obsession, it's something I do because I want to, if it's an addiction then I have no say over it. I think it's a bit of both. But yeps, you're a must have presence in my life. I'm sick when you're not there, it doesn't feel right.
Wanna know what was in my dreams last night? It was weird actually, well for me anyways. In my dreams.. it's usually the only place where you're mine. It's where I long to be every day and every night, because that's when you're with me all the time. Even if it's not reality, I'd rather live in my own thoughts and dreams. But you weren't this time, every moment was like reality. You weren't there by my side, at any point. But you were there of course, you were always within my sight. Right in front of me, but you were attached to her. There wasn't a moment you two weren't by eachother's side, pushing me away. I hated this dream. I hate it. I shouldn't though, so why do I? That smile of yours ..
I'm so stupid. I don't know why I feel this way. Why is it that every single fucking time I see you pat her head, I cringe? I flinch and have to look away. I know it's just a pat on the head right? Everyone does it .. but even when she's doing something to you that I would normally. Pat your head, because that makes everything better. I cringe. I run away. I hate it. I hate when something important is taken away from me, that's probably why. I made you my everything and now you're gone, I'm left with nothing. Nothing.
Parents. Family. Siblings. I dislike this all a lot. The stories you hear about and have been told and made to believe as a child, that family is the best thing on Earth and they'd always be there for you. It's all a load of bullcrap to me. I hate them, I really do but I can't seem to stop seeking their approval. I want to be loved by them and accepted by them, but it seems like it won't happen. But I never give up. They never seem to care about my feelings and wellbeing, so I don't really try to care either. But I always get hurt when they don't notice me or see my efforts to keep us together. What's wrong with this place?
I want to focus on study at the moment. I really do. I don't think anyone believes me though, but that's my fault. I always seem to slack off, though I do get back into it later on. The problem is, I find it hard to concentrate on any topic for an unending amount of time, I don't know why but that's just the way it is. There's just so much going on around me that I can't take a hold of. Hmm ..
