rolling dice

now i'm jumping on the questions again, losing all my senses again - i'm a rolling dice and i don't think twice, i gave my heart away

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It's me & you, moving at the speed of light.. into eternity.♣

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 / 11:58 AM

I hate these sorts of nights, the ones where I have no idea at all. What's going on with us? Are we okay? Or is there something going on .. Something we need to sort out and get straight. Is there? Or am I just worrying too much? .. You can't blame me can you? You know what you mean to me, and that losing you is my worst fear. Is this all another one sided thing? Are you feeling it too? I guess not .. you always seem to be fine.

You always say it, but sometimes it's hard to believe when you don't show it. Even if I really do try my best to believe you, there's always that insecure feeling. But I guess that's just what comes in knowing me, I'm an insecure person that always needs assurance. If I don't get it from you, I've assumed I've done something wrong for you to disllike me, not want me and possibly even hate me. This is what keeps me up at night, did I do something wrong? Cause I know you haven't. It must be me then ... right? Then why is it that I stay up all night, yet can't find just one thing I've done that could make you react this way. I don't know. But it's killing me slowlhy babe.

These are also the times when.. I think I have to leave you, but for your own good. Because I'm that horrible of a person, that I can't see anything I've done as wrong, even if it hurt you badly. Because I'm that awful. Although.. you know that I don't ever want to. But sometimes, I get the feeling I have to ... just to make you happy. Because you won't let me leave, because you'll know how upset I'd be. For my own good you'd let me stay, ..but is it all for me, or does some part of you want me to stay as well? Because you need me. Wow, I can't even start on where my thoughts are of this. Because you never act like you do ...

It's only when we're alone that I ever get that nice feeling of being with you. Only when we're alone. Other than that, I always feel like you're drifting away. Sometimes, you don't notice my presence, don't even look at me. It's scary when it happens, I don't really know how to react. So I put on an act for everyone, and pretend I'm fine. When times like this occur, I have no other choice but to retreat to my other escape. This is when the other guys come in, they're my good friends too :) .. and they're that little escape. This, this is the time when you start to make it worse. Knowing that you tend to give a little attitude when my boys are around, I try to reassure you.. and talk to you. But I don't even get eye contact. I get these short, cold, one worded answers that just break my heart. What other choice do I have? I run away, before you can hurt me more. You're.. impossible at times.

But even after that, I feel regret and guiltiful. For what though? Is it wrong that I want to run away from something that could hurt me? ... Is it?

Ain't gonna show no weakness..
I'm gonna smile, and tell the whole world I'm fine.
I'm gonna keep my senses,
But deep down where no one can hear me,
Baby I'll be crying for you.

Why do I love you?
Why do I love you like I do, like I always do.